I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
