I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
NoShamevember. You game?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
