So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
