I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
this boner is exhausting
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
