Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
