Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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