i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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