he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
