Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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