I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
