I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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