I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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