Can i not drive my cunt home
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
