Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
