Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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