you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
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