I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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