Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I deserve this hangover.
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