I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
