Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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