the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
