i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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