Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
