don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
