I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
