my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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