He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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