i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
