sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I am one with the molecules
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
