Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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