Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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