And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
zippers are such a cool invention
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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