and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
