Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
