i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
