Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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