It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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