My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I smell stomach acid.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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