This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
