I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
