Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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