I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
