i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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