you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
