You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
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