I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
