In the future we'll all be gay
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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