im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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