no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
