if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
