The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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